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My love,
It's been a long time since I've cried and left you out of the blue. It's hard, leaving you the way I never wanted to. Self denial is a game so strange I never would've wanted until if there was you. Because I have learned that love is beyond what i can imagine, the more it clears the more I have to let you go. But I don't understand is why I'm feeling so bad now when I know it was my idea I could've just denied the truth and lied why am i the only one standing stranded on the same ground. |
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i could've just denied the truth and lied
Kil Delques
M
18
19 Jan
Singapore Polytechnic, DBS
Her return...
To be forgotten...
Kil Delques
M
18
19 Jan
Singapore Polytechnic, DBS
Her return...
To be forgotten...
i know it was my idea...
Friday, July 18, 2008
Pain...
Today, I fell down. Not anything serious, of course, just a trip which had me tumbling down a few steps of stairs, but it reminded me of the time we first met...
You... Do remember, don't you? Back when we first met. I was always despised by the people around me, and I didn't have anyone to rely on. They, those people, would always find opportunities to get in my way. Getting pushed around by them was more or less considered to be part of my everyday life back then, until you stood up for me... You were the first person to help me after I was 'bullied', and I'll never forget the way you looked when you gave those guys a ticking off. I remember how I brushed you off, saying how I don't need your concern, but you understood didn't you? That in fact I really wanted to thank you and take the chance to get closer to you, but at the same time, I didn't want you to get involved in the conflict between me and them. Even so,
I'm glad that you stood by my side all the while, but when I fell down earlier today, I expected, for a split second, that you'd come rushing , hand extended, but when I looked up and saw no one, the reality hit me. That's right, you're not here anymore... You're no longer here to help me up when I get pushed around, or stand up for me against those who didn't agree with the way I did things. While it's true that all I suffered was a mild scratch, it doesn't change the fact that it really hurts. Not so much on the outside, but more on the inside... I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you that I'll be alright by myself, but I know that I'll never be alright without you around, and I'll never get the chance to do so anymore anyway...
Practical...?
I... Took a short personality test earlier today, and it said that I'm a practical kind of person. I suppose I was a little shocked at the results. After all, I've never thought of myself as a practical kind of person, but more of a dreamer... I still dream about you, about us, and about the times we spend together, and it's not just when I sleep, but even in my everyday life. Just about everything I see and do reminds me of us...
Why does it hurt so much just to think of you...?
Dreams...?
I've... Been having some dreams lately... Dreams about you... About me... And about Stealth and Liz. It's been ages since the 4 of us were together huh? Maybe that's why I get those dreams...
In the dream, Stealth, Liz and I were 2nd year students in some Japanese High School, where I was the President of the Student Council and the two of them were my Vice-President and my Treasure/Secretary respectively. Life was... I suppose normal would be a decent description, with the exception that you'd already left bout 3-4 years prior to that. For some reason, Stealth and Liz didn't seem to remember you, or even me for that matter. Yet, it was peaceful, as I slowly recover from my loss of you. Then, suddenly you showed up, as a transfer student. Actually, I shouldn't say it's you, but someone exactly like you. She has the same name as you, and the way she talks and does things just reminds me so much of you. Yet, even so, I know, that she isn't you. Don't ask me why, I just know. Just seeing 'you' made me remember all the times we spent together, and I end up reliving 'that moment' all over again...
It hurts, perhaps more than you could ever imagine, but I'll keep on trying, so please... Come back soon...
Think things through...
Mom's going to sleep now, which means that in half an hour I'll be all alone in my room with the air-con on and the lights off, silently thinking about things which are better left unsaid...
I remember having a short chat with Stealth sometime last week about the way things are now, and he mentioned how much I've changed since back then. Of course it's not like I haven't notice it myself, but I suppose it just hurts a little more to have someone else tell it to you in your face. The darkness within me is, even now, slowly spreading, and everyday I wonder how much longer it'll be before I succumb to it... I wonder what'll happen to me the day that happens? Maybe I'll end up with some form of depression, maybe I'll just go kill myself by jumping off the building, or maybe I'll just end up hurting myself like I've thought of for so long... No matter what happens though, I really doubt anyone would bother about someone like me...
Time flies, and this mask I've been wearing has slowly welded itself onto my real face, to the point where I can't even tell who the person in the mirror looking back at me is anymore...
A Fresh Start...
After much consideration, I've chosen to completely delete my old blog and make a new one.
It's been quite a long while since I've blogged bout anything, and I really wasn't planning on resuming anytime soon, but let's just say I've been having some thoughts lately...
Thoughts and memories about the past come rushing back, and I'm once again reminded of things I wished I could've forgotten... The painful past that I've been unable to put behind me, no matter how much time has passed...
Friday, July 18, 2008
You... Do remember, don't you? Back when we first met. I was always despised by the people around me, and I didn't have anyone to rely on. They, those people, would always find opportunities to get in my way. Getting pushed around by them was more or less considered to be part of my everyday life back then, until you stood up for me... You were the first person to help me after I was 'bullied', and I'll never forget the way you looked when you gave those guys a ticking off. I remember how I brushed you off, saying how I don't need your concern, but you understood didn't you? That in fact I really wanted to thank you and take the chance to get closer to you, but at the same time, I didn't want you to get involved in the conflict between me and them. Even so,
I'm glad that you stood by my side all the while, but when I fell down earlier today, I expected, for a split second, that you'd come rushing , hand extended, but when I looked up and saw no one, the reality hit me. That's right, you're not here anymore... You're no longer here to help me up when I get pushed around, or stand up for me against those who didn't agree with the way I did things. While it's true that all I suffered was a mild scratch, it doesn't change the fact that it really hurts. Not so much on the outside, but more on the inside... I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you that I'll be alright by myself, but I know that I'll never be alright without you around, and I'll never get the chance to do so anymore anyway...
only one |
8:59 AM
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Why does it hurt so much just to think of you...?
only one |
6:28 AM
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
In the dream, Stealth, Liz and I were 2nd year students in some Japanese High School, where I was the President of the Student Council and the two of them were my Vice-President and my Treasure/Secretary respectively. Life was... I suppose normal would be a decent description, with the exception that you'd already left bout 3-4 years prior to that. For some reason, Stealth and Liz didn't seem to remember you, or even me for that matter. Yet, it was peaceful, as I slowly recover from my loss of you. Then, suddenly you showed up, as a transfer student. Actually, I shouldn't say it's you, but someone exactly like you. She has the same name as you, and the way she talks and does things just reminds me so much of you. Yet, even so, I know, that she isn't you. Don't ask me why, I just know. Just seeing 'you' made me remember all the times we spent together, and I end up reliving 'that moment' all over again...
It hurts, perhaps more than you could ever imagine, but I'll keep on trying, so please... Come back soon...
only one |
7:13 AM
Monday, July 14, 2008
I remember having a short chat with Stealth sometime last week about the way things are now, and he mentioned how much I've changed since back then. Of course it's not like I haven't notice it myself, but I suppose it just hurts a little more to have someone else tell it to you in your face. The darkness within me is, even now, slowly spreading, and everyday I wonder how much longer it'll be before I succumb to it... I wonder what'll happen to me the day that happens? Maybe I'll end up with some form of depression, maybe I'll just go kill myself by jumping off the building, or maybe I'll just end up hurting myself like I've thought of for so long... No matter what happens though, I really doubt anyone would bother about someone like me...
Time flies, and this mask I've been wearing has slowly welded itself onto my real face, to the point where I can't even tell who the person in the mirror looking back at me is anymore...
only one |
6:30 AM
Sunday, July 13, 2008
It's been quite a long while since I've blogged bout anything, and I really wasn't planning on resuming anytime soon, but let's just say I've been having some thoughts lately...
Thoughts and memories about the past come rushing back, and I'm once again reminded of things I wished I could've forgotten... The painful past that I've been unable to put behind me, no matter how much time has passed...
only one |
5:36 AM
would you be there to love me?
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